


Dear Gavin

by TwilightRealmWolf



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 07:23:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1419518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightRealmWolf/pseuds/TwilightRealmWolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael Jones had always had problems controlling his anger. Although, after he had met Gavin Free, things seemed to have gotten a little bit harder for the auburn-haired male. When things get out of control, Geoff suggests none other than counseling for the troubled man. When Michael arrives at counseling, he discovers his true feelings, and what lies behind them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Gavin

Michael had no idea what was happening to him. He always constantly felt like he was drowning in his own emotions. Often they overpowered everything else, no matter what he was doing. It was beginning to take control over him. He wasn't sure what was happening to him, but he sure did need to find a way to fix it soon.

He was doing a good enough of hiding how his feelings were affecting him for a number of weeks. But after awhile, they were beginning to show through. Michael was trying his best, but it helped none. He thought it was working, that he was beginning to appear normal again. All that hope was lost that week.

.........

It was just a typical Friday at the office. It was the usual Friday minecraft lets play, which also went on normally. Jack was talking about building a house while Ray went on and on about roses. Geoff and Ryan went to mine, and Gavin did his usual thing, which consisted of Gavin following Michael around. All the time. Michael was usually used to Gavin following him like this, making his comments that had words that didn't even actually exist in them. They eventually grew on him, and he was used to them. He never yelled about how much they irritated him sometimes. He had everything under control all the time. Not this time.

"Mi-cool, please, why can't you help me you silly pleb? It's just a simple dig down. A little diggy doo, Mi-Cool! We could ha-" Gavin was cut off abruptly all of a sudden. It shouldn't have happened. Michael just couldn't control it. When he finally realized what he was saying, he couldn't stop himself. There was no going back now.

"Gavin, NO! Why can't you just stop talking for like 2 freaking seconds?! Is it impossible for you, huh!? 'Oh Mi-cool, MI-COOL!'" Michael imitated with a sneer in his voice, his yell loud enough to hear from outside the Achievement Hunter office. That hadn't happened in a very long time. "You know what, Gavin?! Just LEAVE, why don't you?! You just cause everyone problems!" Michael yelled, concluding his verbal attack on Gavin with a slam of the controller on his desk, along with the clatter of his headset as he threw it down and reached for the door. He yanked at the knob, pulling the door open harshly which was then followed by a yell from Michael and the slam of the door.

Michael couldn't take it anymore. His emotions were taking complete control, causing his inability to think straight. As he knelt down on his knees in the middle of the parking lot, he couldn't even comprehend what had happened a few moments ago. All he could remember was Gavin talking to him, then all of a sudden Michael was blinded with pure rage. Now he was here, head in his hands in the middle of a parking lot. How could he have been so stupid?!

After a long time of gathering his thoughts and checking his composure, Michael decided to go back into the office. When he walked in the Achievement Hunter office, everyone looked up for 2 seconds, then stood up to leave, removing their headsets and placing their controllers on their desks.

"Yeah, guys, if you wouldn't mind, I need to have a word with Michael. Go ahead and all head out to lunch. An early lunch is better than a late one, right?" Geoff said, seriously at first, and smiling slightly at the end. There was a variety of yeah's and thanks as they all left the room, Ray being the last one out and shutting the door behind him. As that door was fully closed, Geoff became very serious again.

"Michael," Geoff started, placing his interlocked fingers on the desk. "I don't know what happened, but what you did to Gavin was not okay. That will never be okay in this office, Michael. I know you do a series called Rage Quit, and I know Gavin can be annoying at times, but that wasn't like you. That wasn't like you at all."

Michael sighed as he ran his right hand roughly through his auburn hair. He was going to speak, but Geoff began to first.

"Look, I understand what you did. It happens, man. I've done that to him at home before. But this wasn't like a spur of the moment type thing. You've been acting like this a lot recently. It's affecting everyone in the office, and its a negative effect. I will not have my employees affected by your uncontrollable emotions. I don't want this taking another level and resulting in me reporting this to Burnie, but you need to help yourself. I think it would be best for you if you found a counselor, maybe. Maybe they could help you understand what's going on with you now."

Michael sighed, knowing that what he was saying was the inevitable. "I will, Geoff. I will find someone. To be totally honest, I don't understand much of what's going on with me either right now." Michael let out a small chuckle before continuing on. "I don't want to affect anyone in a bad way. I'll get help, Geoff, I promise."

Geoff simply nodded a thank you of acknowledgement to Michael as he stood up from his office chair and patted him on the back.

"Im going to get some lunch with Griffon. You're welcome to leave now too, just be back by the usual time. We have a lets play to finish." Geoff stated as he opened the door, and shut it equally as fast.

After he walked out, Michael set himself down in his own office chair at his desk. He pulled up his browser, and began the search for a counselor that could help him figure himself out. He needed to admit it, he needed the help. Michael didn't want to find out what could happen next if he didn't get help now.

.........

Michael would be lying if he said that he wasn't nervous. Sitting in the waiting area of the counselors office, all he had were his own thoughts, which appeared to be getting louder and louder as time continued. If they got any louder, Michael was sure he would explode. He couldn't bear the feeling anymore. He needed an outlet. He needed help.

He was about to get up and leave, when he heard the door open for the first time since he'd been there. He admitted he was nervous, but he also felt relieved at the same time. As the counselor stepped to the side of the door, Michael walked in, trying to display at least some level of confidence to hide how scared he truly was on the inside.

From the time when Michael sat down, him and the counselor talked over an assortment of different things for quite a bit of time. After a few hours of discussing and questions, Michael felt like he was getting somewhere, finally figuring out what seemed to be happening. However, he wasn't one hundred percent sure at first. It wasn't until the man listening to him spoke up that he knew for sure.

"Okay, Mr. Jones. After everything that you've told me, I'm sure that I know what is going on with your emotional instabilities. I believe that this problem may be caused by some feelings that you feel inside, but never feel safe to let out. You never feel safe to say them to the persons face, and it all builds up inside you. I believe that all these feelings take a base from this person that you have told me about. Who was this, a Mr. Gavin Free? I believe that these feelings stem from your feelings that you may have pushed down for this man. I'm not implying anything about your sexuality, but I believe this may be why. So, since you have all these unsaid feelings for this Mr. Free, I believe it would be best to bring up these feelings for him, and get them out. I know how uncomfortable talking about stuff like this can be, I really do. That's why I think you should write them down in this."

Michael looked up from the chair with interest as the man pulled out a green journal. That journal seemed to be the exact same green as Gavin's eyes. How...peculiar. As he took it, the man continued talking.

"Now, this is not a diary, but there is a way to set this up to help you set all of your feelings out. I think it would be best to set these up as a letter. Every day, you should write the date and the person you're writing to, which will be Mr. Free. Or, Gavin, if you'd prefer. You should write down anything that you would like to tell him in that day. Make sure you date them, so if you ever feel the need to tell him or anyone in person, you know what date you said it on.  This could be a great outlet for your feelings, and possibly relieve your emotional stress. I think this would be best."

"Alright, I think that would help. Thanks for your time, that really helps me." Michael said, as he stood up, feeling reassured as he went through the door. He felt as though a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. He felt all the emotional pressure leave his body as he got in the car. He thought new and clear thoughts. These were all new for Michael, and he loved it. He drove home, strangely excited to write about things in his journal. As soon as he walked in the door, he tossed his keys to the side, and sat down on the bed with a black pen and began to scribble.

_June 22, 2013                    Dear Gavin,_

........................

**2 Months Later**

"Come on Gavin! Team Nice Dynamite!" Michael said with great enthusiasm. Talking to Gavin had become easier. I haven't had any major blow-ups with anyone in the office since the last one a few months ago that I had with Gavin, before I had gotten help. Michael was glad about how everything was going. That was, until Gavin pulled him aside after that let's play that day.

"Hey, Gavvers, what's going on? Are you doing alright? What's going on?" Michael was very worried, he'd seen Gavin been acting differently, but he didn't know what was going on. He was genuinely worried about his best friend.

"Uhmm...Michael...I'm...I...I'm leaving."  Gavin replied, with some stutter in his voice. Michael was genuinely shocked he never expected to hear Gavin say anything like that. Michael had always thought that Gavin was happy in the states. He always seemed like it. What could have possibly happened? Michael didn't do anything wrong, did he?

"What? Gavin, why? Did something happen? If someone did something, I swear, I will hit them for you. No one hurts my boy!" Michael exclaimed. Ever since he had yelled at him 2 months ago, he had been very mindful of whoever treated Gavin badly. He had always felt bad about what he had done, but he could never seem to find the right way to say he was really truly sorry. He was still trying to figure it out to this day.

"No, no Michael, there's no need for that. I'm not leaving for good. I'm just going back home for a week or so. I'm going to go visit Dan and some family. Need to visit sometime, you know? I can't spend all my time in another country. It's a little difficult." Gavin seemed to be absolutely sure about what he was saying, so Micael trusted him on this.

"Okay, Gavin. I think you deserve a trip back home. You haven't been home in a while for sure. It'll be nice for you to get home for a little while. It'd be a lie if any of us said that we wouldn't miss you while you're gone though." Gavin smiled as Michael said this. Gavin would have never guessed that Michael would say that to him. That or anything like that at all. It was...different. It was a nice new change.

Gavin was even more surprised when Michael pulled Gavin into a full hug. He was shocked at first, but then he slowly eased into Michael, returning all of his feelings through the embrace. When it finally ended, both looked happy, but yet sad at the same time. Michael never wanted to let go. He never wanted to let go of his boy. Not now, not ever.

After a small smile from Michael, Gavin let out a sigh. He looked around the parking lot towards the direction of his ride. Ray was giving Gavin a ride to the airport, because Gavin has still not learned to drive. Michael still never understood that. Gavin was so strange sometimes, but Michael sorta enjoyed it.

"Anyways...I should probably go." Gavin said, relieving a sigh in between the pause. "Goodbye, Michael. I will see you when I get back in a week, alright? I promise I will. I'll call you as soon as I land. We could go and get coffee. I think that'd be top."

"Yeah, Gavin. I'd really like that. Please do, please. I mean, team Nice Dynamite, right? Plus, your my boy. I would never leave my boy!" Michael said, quite enthusiastically. He didn't want Gavin to leave, but he wanted it to be over with faster, so that he could have his boy back sooner. As Gavin walked towards Ray's car and got in, he waved a small goodbye and got in the car. Michael couldn't help but miss him so badly as he saw the car pull out of the parking lot. After starring in the direction that the car drove away in for awhile, Michael finally decided to go inside, and went to continue editing his newest Rage Quit, which also involved Gavin, his boy.

.........

**5 Days Later**

Michael couldn't help but feel happier every moment of today, right from the moment he woke up. He had perfectly good reason to be as happy as he was too. His boy was coming home today. He couldn't help but be extremely excited.

He did his regular morning routine faster than usual, just running his fingers through his auburn curls and throwing his Achievement Hunter beanie on his head. He didn't really have the effort or thought to make himself look amazing or anything, but he just wanted to get to work. The sooner he got to work, the sooner he would get to see his boy. His best friend of all, a mister Gavin Free.

As Michael pulled into the Rooster Teeth parking lot, he jumped out of his car and bounded towards the door, nearly forgetting to lock it on the way inside. When he got inside, he went straight for the Achievement Hunter office. Needless to say, Michael was expecting something different than what he saw when he walked into the office.

He expected everyone to have smiles, for everyone to be enthusiastic about the british comedian of the office returning today. But yet...Nobody seemed to be smiling. Michael looked down to set his stuff down, then sat in his own chair. As he turned, he saw something sitting on Gavin's unoccupied desk. He looked more closely to see what was sitting on the desk, right above the hole in his desk where he got his finger stuck once. Michael remembered that quite clearly.

But what was sitting on his desk definitely was not ordinary. As Michael looked closer, he noticed what it was. A rose.

"Ray?" Michael chuckled mid sentence. "You putting roses out for Gavin, huh? For the other third of Team Lads?" Michael was joking, but seemed to choke on his own words when Ray simply looked away, and Geoff stood up and looked quite seriously at Michael.

"Michael." Geoff began in a very serious tone. "Gavin got into a car crash yesterday. He was in a car with Dan, going to get something...when a car hit them full on from the side that Gavin was sitting on. He was immediately sent to the hospital, with severe injuries all over. The doctors thought that he was going to be able to make it through this...but...his condition took a drastic turn this morning. He could no longer function on his own. He gave the doctors consent...to...help him. Afterwards, he was pronounced dead this morning."

Geoff's expression changed when he saw Michael. Michael couldn't figure out what had gone wrong. His face couldn't even create a facial expression for him, because he couldn't focus on one emotion. Michael felt everything. Anger, sadness, depression, lost, but most of all, he felt broken. He was so lost. This wasn't just anyone Geoff was telling him about. No this was Michael's boy. His best friend. Michael couldn't tell, but the worst part to come after that was one thing:

He never told Gavin anything, and he had never told him sorry.

After thinking about that, Michael ran out of the office, not even having the will to slam the doors as he went. He barely had the will to walk. All he wanted to do....Michael couldn't even tell what he wanted anymore. He wanted his boy.

After awhile, he decided that he couldn't stay here. He jumped in his car, turning on the ignition very roughly. Not even bothering to put on a seatbelt, he drove swiftly out of the parking lot. He didn't know where he was going, but yet, he just drove. Later, he found himself at home, sat in front of the computer, as he looked up the news from Gavin's home.

He needed proof. He wanted someone to tell him it was all not true. For someone to tell him that it was all a dream, that it was all going to be okay. But Michael knew he was never going to get that. Not as he watched the screen. Right before Michael's eyes, he saw the replay of the horrifying clip of the crash. He continued to watch as his eyes began going blurry, and tears ran down his face. The clip continued, showing the countless amount of paramedics as they showed up to the scene.

But that wasn't the worst.

He continued to watch as he saw a familiar face be dragged from the scene. He nearly let out a scream of horror as he saw Gavin. He looked so hurt...Michael couldn't even stand to watch, it was tearing him to pieces. But he continued to anyways. He watched every detail. Everything from the now ruined cars, the roads around, the people and how they looked as they stood around checking the scene...and the ambulance that drove Gavin away. The ambulance that took Gavin to the place where he was doomed to die.

At this point, Michael was certain of something.

Everything was in fact real. Everything was real....and Gavin was really gone. Gone for good. That one small statement made Michael fall to pieces. He couldn't stand anything anymore.

Michael shoved his chair back, sending it wheeling into the wall on the opposite side of the room. It hit the wall with a near deafening thud, and Michael was sure that it had left a hole in the wall. Michael didn't care. He stormed out of the room, and just walked. He found himself crumpled up on the bathroom floor, feeling as though he was falling to pieces. Just as Michael thought he had left all the thoughts behind, they all came flooding back to him.

Michael spent the next few hours curled up on his bathroom floor, crying as if there was no end. Michael cried until he felt so mentally ill that he couldn't anymore.

From then, he fell asleep, barely able to read the text that had come through from Geoff.

"Gavin's funeral is on Thursday."

.........

Nothing could be worse. This was all Michael could think about. He could think of a lot of other places he would rather be right now, and all of them involved being with Gavin. That was the number one thing on Michael's mind right then, it was all Gavin.

It was unnerving to see so many familiar faces today. Michael couldn't stand it. All these people standing around, dressed in black from head to toe...they all knew Gavin in some way. All of these people cared about him in some way or another, some ways greater than others. Michael knew most of them too, but some he had never talked to. He had never thought of a reason to talk to people who knew Gavin, because Michael always had Gavin. Gavin had meant the world to Michael, but he had only realized this after he was gone...after Michael could never see him again. He was gone, and Michael didn't know how to deal with that.

Soon enough, as Michael was engulfed in his deep thoughts, people began to sit in their places. Michael sat down mindlessly as certain people stood in the front, telling all their feelings about Gavin.

Michael didn't feel like they had shared anything that everyone here already didn't feel.

One by one people went up there, to express their feelings about Gavin. First Geoff, then Griffon afterwards, who was followed by Millie. Michael was only paying some attention to the words being said, and the people up there. He was so overwhelmed by grief that he felt like nothing else mattered.

Next to go up was Jack, followed by Ryan then Ray. Michael did hear the speech that Ray had given. Ray and Gavin had always been close, so it wasn't such a surprise when Ray began to cry the second that he began to speak. Nobody had ever seen Ray cry before, but he sure did as he talked about all the great times him and Gavin had had in the past.

Michael still didn't feel like anyone was saying any type of feelings that anyone here didn't already know.

Michael had come here to mourn for his lost friend. He wanted to get up there and say something about Gavin, he really did, but he had no idea what to say. He wanted to share his feelings from deep down, not just repeat what everyone else was saying. Michael stood anyways, and walked up to the podium, his feet becoming heavier and heavier with each step. Then he began to speak.

"What do I even say about Gavin...he meant so much to me, and I can't even put those feelings into words. I'm standing here, in front of you all, attempting my greatest attempts to tell you how I feel. I am so dearly grief struck now that I cannot even begin to form words. So..."

Michael began the sentence, but paused to pull out something from his suit jacket. He pulled out a green book. It may have seemed like an ordinary green book to everyone else, but what was written in this book was everything. All of Michael's feelings...all the feelings he would never get the chance to express to Gavin. If he couldn't tell them to Gavin, then he would tell anyone and everyone who knew him, anyone and everyone who cared about him.

"So...I will read from this. These are all of the feelings i've had for Gavin. All the feelings I never got to share with him. If he can't hear how I feel...how much he meant to me...I think that everyone who knew him, and everyone he cared about should know." Michael paused to take a deep breath.

"About 2 months ago, I went into therapy. I was having extreme feelings that I was confused about, and I didn't understand what was happening. There, I was told that all of my emotion changes had one cause, and his name was Gavin Free. There, I was also handed a little green book. The therapist told me to write down all of my feelings, or anything that I wanted to tell Gavin in a specific day, and to do this every day. I was told to date every entry, so that if the time ever came, that I could tell him how I felt. Sadly...that time never came. I would give anything for Gavin to hear this right now...anything for him to know how I felt about him. Even though he cannot hear me, I will read some of them, because if he can't know my feelings, I want all of you to."

Michael cleared his throat and swiped a hand across his face to keep the tears away. Then he began to read.

"June 27th, 2013. Dear Gavin, I couldn't help but think about you today. The entire time when we were recording the Minecraft lets play, I couldn't help but take the occasional glance at you. I couldn't help myself as I saw your hand laying on the desk, I found myself resisting with all of my power to not reach out to grab your hand. I resisted even more when Ray killed you in the lets play, because the look in your eyes made me protective of you. I don't know what it is, but I've become very protective of you recently. You are my boy, after all.

July 19th, 2013. Dear Gavin, The feelings I got when I saw your face when I yelled at you today...Gavin, I am so very sorry that happened. I was just so infuriated about us doing that Rage Quit, I just couldn't help it. As I am writing this right now, I am replaying that over and over in my head, yelling at myself about how stupid I was. I wanted to hug you today, I wanted to hold you to tell you how sorry I was. I wanted to show you that you DO mean something to me. Gavin, you mean everything to me. I don't know what I would do without you...I am so so sorry…

July 30th, 2013. Dear Gavin, I was so happy today. I wanted to tell you how happy you made me. I can barely control my feelings and emotions around you anymore. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm far too clingy now...but I've been thinking about some things...I think theres some things that I'd like to change. Maybe someday I will work up the courage to tell you. Maybe.

August 22th, 2013. Dear Gavin, I wanted to tell you everything today. When we went out to dinner together, I told you it was just to hang out, to catch up...but I really just wanted to tell you everything. Then I got really worried about what you'd think...I shouldn't have been. Although, I didn't expect you to tell me that you were leaving. I tried to not show it, but on the inside, I panicked. I don't want you to leave, even if it is only for a week. Even if you were gone for a few hours i'd miss you. I miss you so much even when I write these at night, after I get home from work. Gavin, I wish you know how much you meant to me…

August 29th, 2013. Dear Gavin, I can't cope right now. I can barely think. There are tears falling on this paper as I write this. I hope the pen doesn't smear. Before you left...I couldn't cope with even the thought of you leaving for a week...and now....you're gone...you're gone for good. You're never coming back. I can't believe I lost you....what am I even going to do...I feel like my life is shattered. I wanted to tell you all these things. I wanted to make a difference in your life, Gavin. I wanted to be a part of your life. But...I can't...how do I...I don't know anymore...I am so depressed right now, I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into the darkness of depression.

August 30th, 2013. Dear Gavin, I miss you. I wish you'd come back. Please...please...I need my boy back. Team Nice Dynamite...right?"

Michael was bawling at this point, tears falling from his face at an uncontrollable pace. Nearly everyone in the audience was crying at least a little bit. Michael didn't know his words could affect anyone this much.

"I have one more..." Michael paused to sniff and wipe away even more tears. "I have one more that I would like to share.

August 30th, 2013. Dear Gavin....I wish I could see you...I wish you could hear me say this. Gavin, I have feelings I can't explain for you right now. I want you to be a part of my life, I want to be a part of yours too. I wish I could've had the courage before you left...before my life came crumbling to pieces, crashing down on me. I feel like i'm drowning in my own feelings. I've blacked out many times...I can't remember many things anymore. But I still remember you leaving me, and I remember hearing the news at the office...I remember those in vivid detail. I wish I didn't. I wish they weren't true...I want you to be here. I want you to be mine. I need you, Gavin....because to be honest...I'd like to tell you something very very important. I've fallen deeply in love with a man named Gavin Free."

Michael knew what he said. He chose to read it for a reason. Michael had just come out to everyone here, which was pretty much everyone he knows. They all knew....and Michael didn't mind. Better yet, nobody seemed to care about that all that much. Michael stopped surveying to talk and conclude his speech. He took a deep breath before he began, once again wiping the tears from his face.

"I want to conclude this by saying one more thing. I meant everything I said. I did want to be with Gavin. I wish I could've been. I really mean it when I say that I fell in love with him too. I fell hard for him, and I am still incredibly in love with him. I just...." Michael them began crying even harder.

"I just wish I could be with him right now. Though, this is all I can give."

Michael then pulled something out of his pocket.

"I...I got this for him...but I could never give it to him. I bought myself the other necklace to match."

Michael then set the necklace which appeared to look like a creeper from Minecraft on top of his chest.

"I..I'm so sorry, Gavin. I'm so so sorry."

Sobbing then took Michael over, sobs shaking his body uncontrollably.

.........

Michael walked into his apartment, feeling terrible. Michael felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was dying, like there was no oxygen in the air. He face planted into his couch after slamming the door behind him. Michael kept his head in the couch cushions until he couldn't  take it anymore. He lifted his head and tilted it to the right. He sat there motionlessly...until he noticed a note sitting on his coffee table. He outstretched his right hand to grab the note. He looked at it in confusion and began to read.

"Dear Michael,"

The breath was caught in Michael's throat. The air proceeded to get thinner.

"I'm sorry I could never tell you this in person. I didn't want you to stop being my friend because of me and my weird feelings…

Michael, I really like you a lot.

I wanted to tell you, I really did. But I lost my confidence before I left for England. I was going to tell you that night when we went to dinner, but you seemed distraught when I told you that I was leaving in the first place.

Michael, there's more."

Michael could sense his vision begin to fade. He was choking on nothing, and he couldn't take in air. What could be happening to him…

"I...I don't just like you Michael…

I wanted to be a part of your life. I want you to be happy, and you always seemed happier with me around. I sure do know you made me happier. All I wanted for you is to be happy...I want to be the person to keep you happy.

Michael, I have fallen very, extremely in love with you.

I hope you will see me when I get home from England. I will tell you everything when I get home, even if I lose you as a friend because of it. I will explain everything to you.

I promise you,  will see you when I return.

Nothing can separate Team Nice Dynamite.

You're my boy, Michael."

After Michael read this he couldn't process anything anymore as everything began to fade.

The only thing Michael saw before everything ended for him was a vivid image of Gavin's face as all life left from Michael's body.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I know, I'm sorry for your feels. I wrote this quite a few months ago, and never got around to posting it. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr under the same URL!


End file.
